In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
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