After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Randomize
