You smell like stripper and shame
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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