The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
you made out with another girl for some wings
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Randomize
