Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Randomize
