i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Randomize
