She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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