We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
