I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
