The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
