Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
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