dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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