Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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