Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
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