I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
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