Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
