fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
