Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
