I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
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