i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
