I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
redhead is getting on the bull...again red head is getting on the bull!
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Randomize
