Capitaan dildo arrescate!
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
