I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
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