When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
