I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Randomize
