ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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