This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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