Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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