im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
Randomize
