Skip Greektown and come to Geektown. I just want to cuddle.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
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