Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
