Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
im having a threesome with these popsicles
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
There's even glitter on my cock...
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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