At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Everyone says I win the strip club
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
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