Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
