so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
