Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Randomize