If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Randomize
