if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Randomize
