At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Randomize
