you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
