his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
