I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Randomize
