I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
Randomize
