textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I believe in your delicious
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
