Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Randomize
