i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize