Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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