Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
