??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Randomize
