as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
