don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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