if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
