is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
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