I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
