There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
