will power is for people who don't want to get laid
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
