I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
