Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
