so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Randomize
