If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
Randomize
