sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Randomize
